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Session LXXIX - Failed Private
Aug. 9th, 2008 07:44 pm...Huh. This is strange.
I've always been happy living my life for others. Doing selflessly what others would ask favors in return. Helping those without a second thought.
But... Hoshi and Jean are moving forward, and the more I help them, the more I see that I'm falling behind. The more I give my strength to others, the less I can do to push myself forward, to surpass the odds set before me.
I... I don't think I'm being selfish by wanting to go farther.
Am I jealous? Jealous that Hoshi and Jean are both such great duelists, such successful people, whereas I've stagnated for so long?
Maybe I am. I'm not sure.
I know that I'm proud of how far both of them have come... but... I want to protect them.. but at the same time... I know I can't, if I don't move forward, if I don't use that energy to better myself.
But what will happen to them whilst I create my own future, forge ahead as myself? Will they be harmed? Will I lose touch with them?
...I don't want to lose them, I can't lose them. I won't let myself. Even if I had to be torn to pieces, beaten down, and tortured till I was barely alive, I'd still go on.
But... how far is too far to go?
No. Why am I even thinking that!? There shouldn't be a limit to how far I'd go for either of them.
But...at the same time, I feel like I'm getting close to that limit. To the point where my body, my mind, my soul, won't go any farther than that.
....I don't know when that is, but I hope I don't hit it.
I'm so proud of both Jean and Hoshi, and I wish I could go that far, push myself to what limits they have, torturing their mind and body.
...After the new school year starts, I'm going to devote myself to getting stronger. Surpassing my own limits, not breaking under any pressure.... I have to get stronger.
I have to.
I've always been happy living my life for others. Doing selflessly what others would ask favors in return. Helping those without a second thought.
But... Hoshi and Jean are moving forward, and the more I help them, the more I see that I'm falling behind. The more I give my strength to others, the less I can do to push myself forward, to surpass the odds set before me.
I... I don't think I'm being selfish by wanting to go farther.
Am I jealous? Jealous that Hoshi and Jean are both such great duelists, such successful people, whereas I've stagnated for so long?
Maybe I am. I'm not sure.
I know that I'm proud of how far both of them have come... but... I want to protect them.. but at the same time... I know I can't, if I don't move forward, if I don't use that energy to better myself.
But what will happen to them whilst I create my own future, forge ahead as myself? Will they be harmed? Will I lose touch with them?
...I don't want to lose them, I can't lose them. I won't let myself. Even if I had to be torn to pieces, beaten down, and tortured till I was barely alive, I'd still go on.
But... how far is too far to go?
No. Why am I even thinking that!? There shouldn't be a limit to how far I'd go for either of them.
But...at the same time, I feel like I'm getting close to that limit. To the point where my body, my mind, my soul, won't go any farther than that.
....I don't know when that is, but I hope I don't hit it.
I'm so proud of both Jean and Hoshi, and I wish I could go that far, push myself to what limits they have, torturing their mind and body.
...After the new school year starts, I'm going to devote myself to getting stronger. Surpassing my own limits, not breaking under any pressure.... I have to get stronger.
I have to.
